Don't Look Back In Anger

 

I gotta be honest, I've been struggling with a lot of frustrated feelings lately.

Most of it comes from not being able to pursue some — well, most — of my creative endeavors.

 

Earlier this year I promised to do a lot of big, exciting things:

I was going to work on new projects.

We were going on our first international trip.

I was going to focus on building my personal brand and lean into creative entrepreneurship.

I had plans to revive my YouTube channel and maybe create a whole creative ecosystem around it — complete with a newsletter, a brand-new spanking website, and maybe even some info products on the side.

I was supposed to go all in.

But then I blinked and realized that it was already September.

Dear reader, imagine my frustration when I realized that the year is almost over and I haven't finished half of what I'd set out to do!

Ugh.

I've since tried to sit with my rage and think long and hard about why I feel this anger so acutely. I can break it down into a couple of things:

1. I don't like feeling like I've wasted my time

I feel like the year just whooshed by and I have no creative achievements to show for it.

As a recovering hustle girlie, this is an immense struggle for me, especially when I compare this year to last year's milestones.

When I don't hit my goals, I feel like I haven't achieved anything worthwhile, and then I feel like punching a hole in the wall like Adam Driver from Marriage Story.  😂

The funny thing is that I am cognizant that these feelings are not objectively true. I know that I have done many worthwhile things this year — and that simply existing is worthwhile. But dang, the knowledge doesn't make the frustration any less acute.

2. It's a pattern, I fear

I have a pattern of complacency. I like staying in my comfort zone — until I realize I've built gilded cages around myself.

There's a part of me — probably the one still recovering from deep financial trauma LOL — that wants to stay in these safe spaces, even when they don't serve me anymore.

Good old Seth Godin calls this our lizard brain. In his book Linchpin, he says:

The lizard brain only wants to eat and be safe.

The lizard brain will fight (to the death) if it has to, but would rather run away. It likes a vendetta and has no trouble getting angry.

The lizard brain is not merely a concept. It's real, and it's living on the top of your spine, fighting for your survival. But, of course, survival and success are not the same thing.

The lizard brain is the reason you're afraid, the reason you don't do all the art you can, the reason you don't ship when you can. The lizard brain is the source of the resistance.

I thought I'd finally controlled the lizard brain when I started freelancing. During that time, I learned how to be comfortable with risk, get over limiting beliefs, and steer clear from making fear-based decisions.

I thought that I'd already learned my lessons, but it turns out I haven't. Or maybe I'm still learning.

Either way, the frustration of realizing I'm making the same mistakes feels bigger than the mistake itself.

3. I have everything I need but I'm not making the most out of them

I recognize my privileges. We're a dual-income household with no kids. I get to work remotely. All things considered, I have all the tools I need to pursue my creative endeavors.

And so it's doubly frustrating when I don't act on my plans.

It seems like there's always something holding me back: distractions, chores, work, my ever-dwindling attention span. I feel like I'm getting in my own way.

Being your own enemy is the worst.

4. I'm not getting the right stimuli

When I expressed these frustrations on Instagram last week, our good friend Le-an recommended that I look into my human design chart:

According to Mind Body Green, when Manifesting Generators are "in environments or doing activities that light them up, they have a seemingly limitless ability to hone their multitude of talents and put forth their unique work into the world"

On the flip side, when manifesting generators don't get to do the things they want to do, they pull in from an inefficient source and take on "energy debts". The more they dip into the energy debt, the more prone they are to burnout.

Now, I've taken the quiz, and it shows that I'm actually a Projector rather than a Manifesting Generator. But the concept of going into energy debt resonated with me nonetheless.

When I work on something that I'm truly passionate about, I light up. I do my best. I nerd about it. It gives me energy.

Right now, however, I feel like I am spending way too much time on projects that don't excite or challenge me and it's leading me to a massive energy debt. I feel burnt out.

I think this is something that I have to address with bravery and honesty.

Related: Just a girlie romanticizing

Now what?

Now that I've articulated these feelings, I think I have a clearer path for my next steps.

Without going into a lot of details, I feel like I need to:

• Be brave and honest - Girlie needs to be candid. Maybe she needs to be a bit selfish. Maybe she needs to re-evaluate what she wants out of life and see if the choices she's making still align with that vision. Then she needs to wear her big girl pants and make some decisions, no matter how tough they are.

• Advocate for myself - I've already spent so much of my time people-pleasing and doing things that don't serve me. I need to actively advocate for myself.
  
  
• Manage my time and energy better - I need to spend less time scrolling and more time doing things that bring value to my life.

• Be confident - I need to honor what I've been given and be confident in my abilities.

Don't look back in anger

So yeah.

These past couple of weeks have been filled with lots of angry energy. It feels good to have finally articulated these things, and I feel like I can finally do something about them instead of throwing a tantrum.

That said, I may have some big, scary decisions to make very soon.

I can't lie — it's intimidating. But if I've learned anything it's that taking action will provide clarity. If I feel stuck and frustrated, the only logical choice would be to do something about it before I reach the end of my patience and sanity haha

So dear reader, wish me luck!

Here's to us being brave.