One day, I'll finally have the clarity to talk about my experience with the length, depth, and care that it deserves, but for now —
I just want to find my way back to normal.
Reader, my summer began with two lines on a stick and anticipation so strong I felt like I could see decades into the future. It ended with me sobbing on my husband's shoulder, devastated beyond belief.
To say that this summer has been gnarly is an understatement.
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Every tragedy has two distinct points: the before and the after. The in between? You don't really feel any of it - you just try to make sense of what happened, as if the whole thing were a fever dream.
Before
I'd like to think I was doing well. Before shit hit the proverbial fan, I had a healthy roster of clients, was working out 3x a week, and walking two miles a day. In fact, during the week leading up to my miscarriage (saying that aloud feels weird), I'd been recording podcasts, hosting strategy calls, and interviewing for a potential fractional opportunity.
I was eager to build. I was eager, period.
After
Now I look at that life — that woman— as if standing on the other side of a river. The difference is imperceptible to the casual observer, but I feel changed by the experience, for better or worse.
It's been a month since.
I've cleaned the house top to bottom, and even burned palo santo in an attempt to cleanse its energy. I threw out the trash. I bought new plants.
I've accomplished most of the things on my "recovery bucket list" — exercise, shopping, a day trip to places both familiar and new.
I go through the motions — and to a degree, am cognizant that I'm inching towards recovery — but the days still blur together.
A month has passed, and I'm still finding my bearings.
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One day, I'll be able to write about this tiny tragedy in full detail. Maybe I won't. Maybe I wouldn't need to.
But I digress.
For now, let me just share that it happened.
Most days, I feel okay, functional enough to schedule LinkedIn thinkpieces and hunt for a new house. And then, on some days, like today, I feel like floating, wondering if the experience really happened, and if I should be sharing it on the internet for strangers to read.
Oh well.
That's it for this update, dear reader.
Appreciate you taking the time.
Sana masarap ulam mo today.
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